I've been thinking a lot about the instincts for the last few days, and I had a conversation with a friend last night about them. I'm working with some people on a project with different instinct stacks (the instincts being self-preservation, social, and sexual), and although it's doable, it takes intention and awareness- preferably on both parties' part. If we take self-preservation out of the picture for a second and just look at social and sexual- social energy difuses the energy of the team and spreads it out, kind of like you would imagine a Chinese fan spreading out from one point. It's an expression of enjoyment of the connections between the members of the group. Historically, being part of a group has represented security and comfort because there is strength in numbers, and when you have a lot of friends, you have any number of people to lift you out of your slumps and help you keep going.
Sexual energy (we're not talking literal sex in this case- it's more the need for intensity, although yes, sex is a part of it) is always trying to focusing the energy towards a point by contracting it. So this energy is an expression of enjoyment of the bonds between two people. Concentrating the energy in a conversation makes sexuals feel more alive. Instead of a fan, their energy in a conversation is reaching for something- a point at the end.
Obviously, then, working on a team with people of varying instincts requires sensitivity and personal awareness because the energy can be contracting and expanding at the same time. When the situation is intense, a social might break the intensity with a joke. When things are flatlining, a panicking sexual might say something ridiculous and unexpected to tighten the energy back up again.
The goal of personal work is to use everything as your teacher. The teacher here is that both instincts can be intimidating to people if they don't have it high up in their stack. So socials without the sexual instinct high in their stack feel excluded (and therefore offended many times) by the sexual instinct, because a conversation between two sexuals is really meant for two. Being alone is tough for these guys, and there's an itch to get out and be with another person, preferably more.
When I'm with someone who feels uncomfortable with my energy, I'm reminded to just be present to them, breathe... detach myself from the virtue of my own instinct stack... We have all instincts within us, but one will be our top priority, another will be our second priority, and the third one we kind of ignore. When we start paying attention to and nurturing the bottom, underdevelopped one, we become whole people.
You can see the differences in the two approaches in so many areas of life.
You can tell a salesperson is sexual because they can move straight towards a close without difficulty, and sometimes it's more like a gallop; the customer barely has a chance! This product is just so exciting! You can tell a salesperson is social because they will focus more on the chitchat with the client, feeling out their energy, the people accompanying them, and where they fit into the politics of the group.
On a dating site, socials might initiate a conversation with a match by saying simply, "Hey." Sexuals, worried that won't go anywhere, might ask a question of their match.
On the playground, sexuals will play in small groups with a precious couple friends. On a bad day, they may even play alone, although no one really likes that. Socials will be playing with groups, but the trap there is fighting when someone threatens their position in the group. Socials put up with a lot more, though, to keep those bonds intact. Sexuals need to make more of an effort to keep the bond intact.
Whereas sexuals without a high priority for social feel excluded in social situations (and not because people are actively excluding them, although over time, it might become that way) and just don't know where to look or how to behave at a party. Being with a group is tough for them, and there is a pull to go be alone.
Parties and networking events just make sense to socials. Sexuals want to peel their skin off it's so uncomfortable.